


This Here Is Not Singing

by tbmd1066



Series: Carpet Burns and Carousels [8]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Canon Era, Graphic Description of Panic Attack, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Ban Lifted (Merlin), Panic Attacks, Post-Magic Reveal, The author is clearly projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25635826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbmd1066/pseuds/tbmd1066
Summary: His magic surged up, swelling in his chest, and then his stomach twisted, and his heart pounded in terror. He slammed his magic back down, the way he'd done a thousand times.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Carpet Burns and Carousels [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769542
Comments: 9
Kudos: 293





	This Here Is Not Singing

**Author's Note:**

> Me, crying on my boyfriend's shoulder because I'm so exhausted and tired of having anxiety attacks and not being able to control my response to things I'm excited about: I could make a fanfic out of this.  
> My boyfriend: No, you should call a therapist.

With a wave of his hand, Merlin cleared his and Arthur's lunch dishes and sent them back down to the kitchen cupboards. 

"Lazy." Arthur chided.

"It takes a little effort." 

Arthur laughed. "You didn't even say anything." 

Merlin smiled. "I suppose I didn't. But I still had to visualize the bits of leftover food, separate them from the plates, and send the dishes all the way to the kitchen, picturing exactly where they go. It does take some effort to keep all that straight. More than it used to." 

"What do you mean?" asked Arthur.

"Hm?"

"Why is it more effort than it used to be?"

"Because...my magic is less powerful than it used to be." Merlin thought back to running through the forest as a child, his feet never touching the ground. He could see every particle of matter, know the exact warmth of the sunlight through the trees, hear every heartbeat, sense every precious life. "Or it's less present, at least."

"Right. I remember you telling me about that. Bottling up your magic."

"Yeah." They had actually been sitting together, much like this. Just finishing dinner, sharing a bottle of wine. So much had changed since then. Merlin still didn't like wine, but he was no longer afraid. No longer a criminal. 

"You know, you don't have to bottle it up anymore."

Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but he wasn't sure what to say. Perhaps he was still afraid. 

"You do magic all the time now, and most people know that you're a sorcerer, but you're still hiding."

"It's a big decision, and..." Merlin thought about the agony he'd been in when he'd first started stifling his magic. He never wanted to go through anything like that again. "And I can't change my mind afterwards. I'll never be able to put it away again. I'll  _ look _ different, and everyone will be able to see what I am, always."

Arthur smiled, his eyes sparkling. "What you are is wonderful." Merlin's heart lunged in his chest, his magic arcing out and reaching for Arthur. He pulled it back gently. 

"But I don't know what I am."

"Would you allow me the honour of learning with you?"

Tears pricked in the back of Merlin's throat. 

"Okay."

Merlin reached within himself, gently holding his magic and pulled. The reaction was instantaneous, but it wasn't what he'd hoped for. The walls he'd built around his magic rumbled and snapped, closing it in, cordoning it off. His heart thundered like the drums of war; he could see his chest shudder with each pulse, so fierce it was as though his heart was trying to thrust itself out. His breaths came quick and unsteady. His magic screamed; Merlin's mouth remained shut tight.

"Merlin? What's wrong?" Arthur's voice only made it worse. Merlin's magic clawed at its barriers, scratching until it bled. It wanted Arthur. It wanted its soulmate.

Merlin wanted to throw up. He didn't, actually, but every muscle in his body clenched as he fought the power trying to flee the prison he'd made for it. It was supposed to be ready—he was supposed to be ready.

"I'm not ready." His voice cracked, and hot, shameful tears rolled down his cheeks. He'd never really been embarrassed to cry before, not even in front of Arthur. He wanted to be able to weep in front of Arthur, break down and be held, reassured, and comforted. 

But as Arthur's arms came forward to embrace him, Merlin flinched back and held his hands up. It only hurt the magic more, to hold Arthur and not have him. Merlin's stomach was beginning to hurt so much anyways, though, that touch of any kind would bring more pain than relief. He didn't know how to say any of that to Arthur. 

"I'm sorry," he managed to gasp out.

"It's okay. You don't have to be ready now," Arthur said in a tone so gentle and true to the young king's heart that Merlin couldn't bear it. As he rose to his feet, the mage wondered if the pounding in his chest was merely death or something more familiar. He wanted to run, go back to his room in Gaius's chambers, throw the blankets to the floor, and lie there until the pain stopped.

He just wanted the pain to stop.

It was that horrifying thought that snapped him back to the present. The thought felt familiar in a way he hadn't felt since meeting Arthur and finding a reason to live.

"I...I'm going to head to Gaius's." 

"Do you want me to walk with you?"

Merlin wasn't sure, but he knew if Arthur came with him, at least one of them might feel better. He nodded, and Arthur placed a gentle hand on the middle of Merlin's back that didn't make him feel any less dizzy. 

As they walked through the sunlit corridors, Merlin wished that they had tried to free his magic in the evening. Then at least the day would have been more pleasant, and he could have started feeling ill near bedtime. It would be good to curl up safe in the dark and sleep through the panic. 

Thinking about it made it worse, he found as his stomach churned. He tried to distract himself. Linguistics, phonetics, chemistry, botany, ethics, law. His mind bounced from topic to topic, incapable of settling on an interest. He found each one lacking or distressing. The trouble with magic being in everything was that it was impossible to distract oneself from it. Everything was bouncing against the inside of his head. He could barely sense what was happening outside of his own body.

"Take a seat here, my boy." Merlin heard Gauis's gentle voice, but it seemed very distant. He sat on the examination table and felt familiar hands push him into leaning forward until his ears were between his knees. It was easier to breathe like this, but he began dry heaving as the contents of his stomach found a more horizontal passage to his mouth. He switched to breathing through his nose. It helped. He could hear Arthur and Gaius talking but couldn't make out their words. Eventually, he could breathe well enough to sit up a little.

"Merlin?" Gaius asked. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I..." he gasped out, not sure how to start. "I was trying to..." He wasn't sure how to describe it. To let it go, to relax, to free himself... "To free my magic. But I couldn't. I started, and then I... It didn't..."

"Take your time," Gaius said softly. Merlin tried to calm his breathing. 

"I tried to free it, and then as it was moving, I shut it off again. Like I always do."

Gaius nodded sagely. "I'm not surprised that it's become a habit for you."

"But why am I..." Merlin gestured vaguely to his shaking body. 

"Do you know what overcharge is?" Gaius asked. Merlin nodded, but the physician proceeded to explain anyways. "It occurs in warlocks who are repressing their magic."

"I do use my magic," Merlin protested. "Every day!"

"Barely." Gaius shook his head. "Just enough to keep it stable, but you still hold it back so much that it's likely to cause damage."

Another wave of dizziness washed over Merlin, and he ducked his head between his knees again. His magic surged up, swelling in his chest, and then his stomach twisted, and his heart pounded in terror. He slammed his magic back down, the way he'd done a thousand times. 

"It's okay. It's okay, I've got you." Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders and rocked the sobbing mage back and forth gently.

It should have been easy. There had been so many times where his magic had thundered against its bonds, yearning to come out, and Merlin had always just barely been able to hold it back. Now that he was allowed to let it out, he couldn't. He'd never been so frustrated. 

"Overcharge can lead to many symptoms, but one of the most common is causing chemical imbalances in the brain that can lead to excessive anxiety, depression, and paranoia." 

"Fascinating," Merlin said between sobs. It was fascinating. Had the circumstances been different, he would have been very eager to learn more. 

"Merlin, you've been hiding your magic out of the fear that it would get you killed for all your life. It's no wonder that trying to release it would trigger this type of panic."

"It's never happened before." Merlin had been close to death more than most, and this had felt just as terrible. "I mean, I get anxious plenty, but it's never been this bad." 

"Your body is reacting to being in mortal peril." Gaius gently pushed on Merlin's shoulder. The mage allowed him and Arthur to lie him down on the examination table. 

"But I'm not. I'm safe...I know that." Merlin reached up and grabbed at Arthur's hand. He knew he was safe. He did. 

"But it may take more time for you to feel it." Gaius placed a soft hand on Merlin's cheek. 

He choked back tears, holding Arthur's hand tighter. He didn't want to spend more time waiting to feel safe. He hadn't felt true safety in nearly two decades, and the thought that he'd damaged himself so severely that he might never feel safe was agonizing. He  _ wanted _ freedom. He wanted to release his magic, but even thinking of doing so sent shivers through his whole body that just made Arthur grip him tighter. He had been happy and excited, looking forward to the future that he and Arthur had built where he could live honest and free. 

Someday he'd fight through this fear. But for now, he just lay still and tried to feel something he'd never experienced. He was still looking forward to the future, but it felt farther away than before. 

**Author's Note:**

> Some thoughts:  
> So...less of a happy ending than I usually want to give these, but on the upside, I am feeling better now than when I penned the first draft of this. It's a major projection, not even going to pretend about that lmao.   
> There are a lot of things that factor into having anxiety disorders, and in the show, Merlin is clearly experiencing a lot of those things, especially in later seasons. After a lifetime of fearing the pyre, he's not going to just be okay with everyone seeing that he's a warlock at first glance. I'm probably going to gloss over it and put the part where he unleashes his full power up next (haven't started it yet though.) because I am still at the beginning of my own healing process and don't know how to write it.   
> So in terms of Carpet Burns and Carousels, this is carpet burn lol
> 
> don't ask if I'm ok, the answer is no haha I'm working on it, I actually did set up an appointment with a therapist and renewed my SSRIs and my dad has started using they/them pronouns for me and things ARE fine. I am safe. But it may take a while to feel it. You don't need to know all of this, but since it's a personal piece I thought I'd just say. It's hard living with anxiety disorders, and it hurts, but no one is alone with it. Even if people don't understand, if they love you, they'll help you. My advice is don't wait through a four-day long anxiety attack to ask for help. 
> 
> Title is from "Farewell Wanderlust" by The Amazing Devil.


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